How They Brew It: The Worst Deck I’ve Ever Made

Let’s get to business. When Dack Fayden, Helping Hand enters the battlefield, you reveal cards from the top of your library until you reveal as many creatures as you have opponents. Those creatures enter the battlefield under your control, but they are then immediately distributed amongst your opponents and goaded for the rest of the game.

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$38.55 · €26.52

What Wizards wanted when they designed Dack was to create the Magic equivalent of an arms dealer. You’re supposed to give your opponents the tools to fight amongst themselves, and then swoop in to pick up the pieces. After all, it’s not technically your fault that little Timmy got beaned with a Blightsteel Colossus; it was Johnny that declared the attack. You’re just sitting over here, texting cute boys on your phone and being an innocent little bean. It’s Johnny! Get him!

The problem is that Wizards implemented this idea sloppily. By combining cheating out a creature with donating it away in one triggered ability, they accidentally broke a restriction on an entire class of creatures that they’ve been printing into for decades. Everyone, I’d like to introduce you to Banisher Priest.

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$0.22 · €0.18

When Banisher Priest enters the battlefield, it exiles target creature an opponent controls until it leaves the battlefield. This is notable for being absolute cheeks. In a format where Swords to Plowshares exists, the liability of temporary removal is simply unjustifiable. Even if you wanted to do something disgusting, you’d usually reach for more permanent exiles like Skyclave Apparition first, which can actually get rid of something forever instead of just storing it in the bank for later.

So why care about Dack at all? The issue is that when Dack cheats Banisher Priest into play, it enters the battlefield under your control, meaning you get to point its exile wherever you want. However, Dack doesn’t just cheat out the creature; he also immediately donates it to an opponent. Since Banisher Priest entered under your control, and since its zone-change trigger isn’t put on the stack until Dack’s entire ability finishes resolving, you control its trigger. You end up with a chance to exile a creature you don’t control under Banisher Priest, while that Banisher Priest has been donated to an opponent.

You can see where this is going. In this circumstance, Banisher Priest can exile itself to its own trigger and reappear, good as new, on your battlefield, since any object returning from exile this way returns under its owner’s control. And that, of course, means that you get another Banisher Priest trigger. You basically launder Dack‘s trigger through this interaction, meaning you’re the one who ends up with a free creature, not your opponent. And here’s a bonus: it can exile another one of the creatures you’ve given away on its second go-around, meaning you actually get two free creatures through this interaction (or one plus a potential creature, given a little bit of work).

But what’s the problem, Dad? Just play a bunch of Banisher Priest analogues and control the board while also throwing in the occasional Tri-Sentinel, Act of Vengeance to troll the people that hate Universes Beyond. Like that mole on my chest, it seems benign, so why is this interaction so problematic that I’d deign to call this deck the “worst I’ve ever made?” I built the Licids deck, after all. Well, let’s examine the card Fiend Hunter.

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$0.50 · €0.30

Fiend Hunter is similar to Banisher Priest in most respects. It’s intended to remove a threat from the board until it leaves the battlefield. The problem (or, at least, the problem that we care about for the purposes of this article) is that Fiend Hunter isn’t limited to a creature an opponent controls. It can exile any other creature of yours, and — like Oblivion Ring — it’s subject to a ton of ridiculous combos because of that.

When Dack cheats Banisher Priest and friends into play, the donation part of his trigger effectively removes that enemy-creature-only restriction from the Banisher Priest class — and there are way more cards that work like this than there are Fiend Hunter clones.

But maybe you don’t believe me that this is an issue. Well, let’s say you cast Dack Fayden, Helping Hand.

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$3.23 · €1.45

When Dack Fayden, Helping Hand enters, he reveals Felidar Guardian, Alabaster Host Intercessor, and Angel of Serenity. Felidar Guardian enters the battlefield, blinking Dack Fayden, Helping Hand.

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$0.24 · €0.20

When Dack Fayden, Helping Hand enters, he reveals Palace Jailer, Fairgrounds Warden, and Reverent Hoplite. Fairgrounds Warden‘s trigger targets Felidar Guardian (as it’s under an opponent’s control), exiling it temporarily. Then, Palace Jailer exiles Fairgrounds Warden (as it’s under an opponent’s control), returning Felidar Guardian to the battlefield, blinking Dack Fayden, Helping Hand.

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$0.27 · €0.41

When Dack Fayden, Helping Hand enters, he reveals Abdel Adrian, Gorion’s Ward, Banisher Priest, and Charming Prince. Abdel Adrian, Gorion’s Ward enters the battlefield, exiling both Dack Fayden, Helping Hand and Felidar Guardian. Then, Banisher Priest exiles Abdel Adrian, Gorion’s Ward (under an opponent’s control), returning both Dack Fayden, Helping Hand and Felidar Guardian to the battlefield, blinking Dack Fayden, Helping Hand.

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$0.34 · €0.23

When Dack Fayden, Helping Hand enters, we get Fiend Hunter, Bishop of Binding, and Glorious Protector. Bishop of Binding exiles itself, returning itself to the battlefield under your control, and then exiles Glorious Protector for now. Then, Fiend Hunter enters and exiles Banisher Priest, returning Abdel Adrian, Gorion’s Ward to the battlefield, exiling Dack Fayden, Helping Hand, Felidar Guardian, and Bishop of Binding. That causes Glorious Protector to enter, exiling Abdel Adrian, Gorion’s Ward, returning Dack Fayden, Helping Hand, Felidar Guardian, and Bishop of Binding to the battlefield under your control.

We have two-layer Dackstack, but that doesn’t matter, because we actually have an infinite already:

• Felidar Guardian now blinks Glorious Protector, returning Abdel Adrian, Gorion’s Ward.
• Glorious Protector enters and exiles Felidar Guardian under itself.
• Abdel Adrian, Gorion’s Ward now exiles Glorious Protector, returning Felidar Guardian.
• Felidar Guardian blinks Abdel Adrian, Gorion’s Ward, returning Glorious Protector.
• Abdel Adrian, Gorion’s Ward enters and exiles Felidar Guardian under itself.
• Glorious Protector exiles Abdel Adrian, Gorion’s Ward, returning Felidar Guardian.
• Return to the start.

And since Abdel Adrian, Gorion’s Ward and Glorious Protector can exile multiple permanents, you have:

• infinite mana (with any mana rock)
• infinite creatures (with Abdel Adrian, Gorion’s Ward)
• infinite life (with Charming Prince)
• stack your deck (with Charming Prince)
• draw your deck (with Helpful Hunter)
• every creature in your deck under your control
• every nonland permanent owned by an opponent in the graveyard (with Bronzebeak Foragers)

And all of this was for the grand cost of (checks notes) casting your commander from the command zone. How do you win? Well, you did just destroy all their permanents and put your entire deck onto the battlefield. I think you can come up with a solution.

Before you pull this off, remember: you’re responsible for managing the board state. Above is a real example of what this deck does, as in, I drew that exact series of cards to stumble into a win. Did it fizzle? Screw it, just cast an Ephemerate and try again! But it’s easy to screw up if you don’t stack the triggers properly, and you’re gonna be in the tank for tens of minutes at a time. Your opponents will disengage mentally, and they will hate you for it.

But I’ve spent more money on stupider things, so if you have fifty dollars burning a hole in your pocket and you want to prank your friends, I’ve left the decklist below. Have fun, you monsters.

How They Brew It has zero grams of trans fats and only two grams of asbestos. If you enjoyed this article, consider donating or joining the Discord. See you next time!